8 Weirdest Beauty Products Ever Sold

When it comes to beauty, people have been doing some seriously weird stuff to themselves just to be more attractive. And this is not something that appeared just lately, who can forget that even Cleopatra used to bathe in donkey’s milk to hold onto her youthful appearance. And if you think donkey’s milk is weird, take a look at these 20th century contraptions which were marketed as beauty products.

1. The Glamorous Helmet (Year 1941)

World War II was gearing up, but even during wartime women need to look beautiful. So this “fantastic” helmet was launched. It was supposed to lower atmospheric pressure around the head, thus making you feel as if you were climbing a mountain or flying on an airplane. The glamorous helmet had its own little see-through visor, so you could read a newspaper or book while you’re enjoying the benefits of this “magnificent” invention.

What it reminds us of: A glorified scuba diving helmet which leads you to glamorous hypoxia.

2. The Magic Beauty Chair (Year 1936)

Gather ‘round everybody, this is the latest beauty product coming from Paris! Or it was, in 1936 when mechanotherapy was on the rise and therapists came up with the magic beauty chair. Around the chair there are many gizmos which are supposed to help women shape their muscles and become more attractive. Among other things, it was supposed to stretch the neck and reduce the chin. Now, that part reminds us of those Medieval torturing devices that could stretch a person until his/her bones crack.

What it reminds us of: Besides a Medieval torturing device, it reminds us of a dentist’s chair from Hell.

3. A Machine for Measuring Beauty (Year 1933)

Max Factor though that beauty can be measured in numbers, so they whipped out their best mathematicians and made a machine that was “able” to measure one’s beauty. This contraption would measure every contour of your face with extreme accuracy and the measures of true beauty would be sold to cosmetic salons across the world and they would… well, we don’t know what they were supposed to do with the measures, but maybe the next product on our list will make things clearer.

What it reminds us of: A Nazi torture device for poking your eyes out.

4. A Machine for Creating Dimples (Year 1936)

Basically it’s a wire with screws on that you put on your head. The screws are supposed to etch into your skin and create beautiful dimples.

What it reminds us of: Oh boy, where to begin with this product? First of all, a tetanus shot is a must. But it does seem it could work… if you consider bloody scars on your cheeks as beautiful dimples.

5. A Pattern for Applying Lipstick (Year 1938)

So, if you have the largest lips in the world, I mean we’re talking larger than the largest, then you might need this pattern to help you out. No longer will you use only one hand to apply lipstick – no, you will use one to apply and the other to hold the pattern, because you just don’t have it in you to follow the contours of your lips.

What it reminds us of: Joker’s “Why so serious?” pattern.

6. A Gown For Sun Protection (Year 1940)

You had enough of sunburns and you want to do something about it. Here’s a great idea, get a gown that covers your whole body. This “beautiful hooded cloak” with a polka dot print will help you survive the summer sun. To make you look extra stupid, the maker of this cloak installed sun visors into the hood which are supposed to “provide you extra protection”.

What it reminds us of: Little Red Riding Hood from the depths of Hell.

7. A Sun Shield For Your Nose (Year 1932)

Similar to the gown, but made to provide the best possible protection for your nose. The shield comes attached to a pair of sunglasses and makes you look incredibly stupid. After a nice day at the beach you will come home only to conclude that you have white pale circles around your eyes like a raccoon and a completely white nose while the rest of your face has tanned. The inventor of this nose-shield obviously considered this look much better than having your nose sunburned. We, on the other hand, wouldn’t actually agree.

What it reminds us of: Barbra Streisand, period.

  • Bonus Product 

8. Violent Lips Lip Tattoos (Contemporary)

The name of the company says it all. But what you don’t know is that this temporary lip tattoo company was founded by a 13-year old girl. We don’t know if we should be impressed, but when you think about it does make sense. Because let’s face it, their product does look like it was made by a 13-year old. Violent Lips is a temporary tattoo that you put on your lips and it is supposed to last 4-8 hours, and you can kiss, eat and drink with them on. The patterns are glossy, attention-seeking and downright awful. A clown’s makeup is high-class compared to this.

What it reminds us of: The makeup used in low-budget horror movies.